15:16 - 07-01-08
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I'd forgotten about this diary!
Obviosuly, I've not forgotten about you guys that read here.

But life has been, and is so hectic, so hard, so... difficult? I havent had the time to write about it..

My weight has been crashing. Every goddamn day is a struggle with food and I'm fucking tired of it. Tired of being ugly, fat, alone. I figure I'd rather die of malnutrition at age 25 than continue to live in this hideous flabby body.

I made some superb real life friends, what spare time I have when not working myself to death or boxing, I've been spending with them. I occaisionally sleep. I figure I'll get all the sleep I want when I die.

Hands turning into claws, bones showing in weird places. But still when I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a fattie.

Oh and.. I'm in love with these two beautifull Latvian goths I got the courage to talk to at a weird alternative pub club thingie I got dragged to the other day.
At the moment it's this vicious sort of game where one of them will text me, and I'll respond,and then go mad with shame and paranoia because I dont hear from either of them for over 24 hours.
So it means when I hear from them I'll wait for 24 hours or so.

I'm too old really, to go chasing boys around. And I'm certainly not going to show myself as being the clingy freak I secretly am.

If they want me, they can come get me.

It still hurts though, Such perfection.. and I'm so ugly. Still.

It has been quite motivating though. I find I'm actually having to force myself to eat lately.. allthough Bulimia still punishes me quite regularly.

So tired. My hands are shaking all the time.